My body, my temple, where Wholeness dwells.

Once upon a time, when I was a little girl, the world seemed like a magical paradise.
A paradise the size of mum’s backyard, full of fragrant flowers, food, insects and birds.
Sitting on my swing, enjoying the breeze against my skin, I would daydream for hours about all the things I wanted to explore.

I learned the limits of my body were seated in my mind. I would visualise a new trick and succeed performing it and with a little practice it would become easy. I learned to do cartwheels, walk some steps on my hands, before losing my balance, landing and rolling with laughter on the soft lawn.
I also learned that if my mind could not “see or feel” myself succeeding first, the trick never worked.

Then I went to school with excitement and anticipation. I loved playing with other kids, explore together, share treats, learning from them and sharing my skills.

It was a lot of fun, untill a boy yelled at me:

“I hate you!”

I remember that strangling sensation in my heart and solar plexus those words caused me. It was so far off my way of understanding the world, I could not think of anything to say in return. I had no idea why someone would be so mean for no reason that I could see.
What had I done or said that made this boy so upset with me? It did not make sense.

That was the day I lost connection with my true self and hid it from the world. I became careful not ever to upset anyone to guard myself from retaliation and aggression. My enthusiastic flame went dim and my essence just lived on as a little pilot light, hidden from the world. I grew insecure, dependant on approval, had health problems and spend many hours at doctors who did not diagnose the cause, but gave me pills and injections instead. My body and me got separated and I lost touch with my inner powers.
I lived in the illusion that shit happens and good health is like a lottery win.

Untill the day I cried out in desperation from the bottom of my heart:

“Why me? Why can I not be healthy like others and not waste my precious life in waiting rooms? Why can I not live like our ancestors, who had no need for medicine in the days that allergies did not exist, only one generation ago? How do I free myself from this burden?…”

That was the day of my turnaround and the start of my journey to freedom from unnatural interference. It all started with a book that changed my perception from being a victim of chance, to knowing there was something I could do to change my predicament. I decided to take back control.
I changed my diet, added supplements, drank more water, dove into martial arts, tried growing bonsais, tried meditation and everything natural that was on offer in the health food shop. I planted medicinal and culinary herbs in my garden and started a vege patch. I learned about Yoga, Reiki and Dao Yin and looked into many books and scriptures of days long gone.

It was a 20 year journey through trial and error. I changed jobs from full time retail to working part time casual outdoors, switching seasonal, from a plant nursery to snowsport instructing, and felt so much happier.

The more I learned, the more I saw the wholeness of visible and invisible nature and my inner pilot light started burning brighter with every epiphany along the way. I found that every time I had a passionate heartfelt internal question, answers would present themselves not long after through books, interactions and experiences, helping me on my journey.

The most powerful and recent nudge was the Wim Hof Method, only 3 years ago, that really solidified my trust in my body, nature and what binds it all through harmony and the intricacy of that amazing balance.

Butterfly by PollyEsther, quote by Richard Bach

The need for pharmaceutical solutions decreased slowly as my body and mind healed and I relearned to trust and appreciate that magical power inside myself. That “Wholeyness” I felt and touched during powerbreathing and I cried happy tears over the re-connection with that bliss. The more I trust it, the more evidence shows that I am supported, and that health is a personal choice. The Power that connects us all, omnipresent in every aspect of life and the Earth Realm, including my own body, will guide us along the way. The Power that breathes life into an embryo. The Power that keeps us energised with every inhale and cleanses us with every exhale. The limitless Power that answered my questions and nudged me gently towards the answers.

I found it, through going deeper within and finding gratitude, my body, my temple, where Wholeness dwells, because I asked…..

I know that you can too! What do you think?

With Gratitude,

PollyEsther

Disclaimer: This is a personal story and should not be taken as medical advice. You should always discuss any changes in your health with your doctor.

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My Body my Temple, where Wholeness dwells.

PollyEsther

The End of the World as we know it…

About a month ago I was at the Dentist for a checkup and annual clean of my teeth. Since it had been some time since an x-ray was done, I followed the dentist’s advice and allowed her to do one. Unfortunately my financial situation is such that I have to make choices as to what to spend my money on and when, so when she suggested to treat a cavity that showed up on the x-ray sooner rather than later, I decided to do it later. The reason was that I had just started my new business of conducting Wim Hof Method workshops as a newly qualified Instructor and expected to make a little extra money on top of my meagre part time casual Nursery job very soon. I felt on top of the world, for finally, after 5 years of living on the edge of poverty without my husbands income and getting by with insufficient funds from the Government, I saw a ray of Sunshine brightening up our future.

I organised one workshop in February and planned on doing at least 3 through March, making it a regular highlight in the local Sports and Recreation Centre as more people started to find out about it. The signs were hopeful as I saw my second workshop selling a lot faster and to more people than my first, that just broke even or maybe lost a little, with only two people present. I was still happy despite that, for one participant left a lovely review, which showed my capacity and care helping convince future potential participants to give it a go too. I am still waiting to see what the return will be as I am currently still awaiting my reimbursement from the ‘Hoffice’, as we call the Wim Hof Method headquarters in the Netherlands.

Needless to explain, as of last week I had to cancel all future plans for live workshops indefinitely and a feeling of powerlessness started to overshadow my life. The cavity was still on my mind though and as the Government put restrictions in place I decided to take the chance and pay for fixing it from a loan, trusting that eventually things will go back to normal and I will resume my workshops to catch up and pay it back. It took me a few days to make up my mind and weigh up the risks versus the benefits with an uncertain future ahead of us, but the thought of the cavity escalating into a more serious dilemma, made me go ahead and ring the dentist on Wednesday for an appointment. The assistant agreed that I could come in Thursday afternoon after work.

At the end of my working day, to be on the cautious side, I washed my hands and sprayed myself all over with disinfectant before jumping in the car. I did not know whether I had been in contact with the virus, for the long incubation times reported and lack of present symptoms in many that had already transmitted it as this pandemic started to take hold on the world. I certainly did not want to be part of spreading it further to anyone I had to deal with, as well as thinking about my poor husband at home, who already has problems with his lungs and overall health as it is.

The traffic was a lot quieter than usual and the drive home was a smooth one, so l rushed into the nearby shop to grab a few items that I was needing, before going to the dentist. With all the new rules of distancing this is a bit of mission now, waiting for people to move away from the shelf you have your eyes on, before you are able to grab what you are after and it did take longer than usual to get out of the store. I quickly put my shopping in the car and ran to the dentist about 50 meters further down the street.

Thankfully I was not too late and still had to wait for my consultation. I sat down with my hands on my lap, careful not to move or touch anything, especially my face. After a few minutes the assistant came to me with a device to check my temperature, by holding it near my forehead. It felt this warranted during the developments of the last few days, that they check incoming visitors for mild symptoms as a safeguard for their and other patients health. As I felt great and had not socialised with anyone, besides my husband and a small number of colleagues for the past week and a half, this did not worry me, until she said that my temperature was elevated and had to come down, before they would consider treating me! I did point out the fact that menopause was upon me and that I did suffer hot flushes as a side effect on a daily basis, but rules are rules and they were told by the dentist association not to treat anyone with an elevated temperature. Thankfully they were kind enough for me to sit there for some time and check again to see that it was dropping. The dentist agreed to see me, phew!

What was it that I wanted her to do? I refreshed her memory to our agreement about a month ago, to treat that deeper cavity that had shown on the x-rays and she pulled out the files to see. Next she returns to me apologising that she was now unable to help me under the level 2 restrictions, for it required drilling and that this was now prohibited, unless there was severe discomfort for the patient, for the reason that this activity releases small particles into the air and could contribute in spreading the virus! I calmly accepted her explanation and she offered to put me on a waiting list to contact as soon as these restrictions are lifted.

I walked out of there with a heavy heart and serious concern for our future lives and freedom. This is when it sank in, that no matter how well we get through all this, the world has changed overnight and will never be what it was… https://youtu.be/wa43FNUdpU8

How far is this going to affect the way we are able to access health services, future gatherings, international flights and so much more! This is only the start! I am sure that we will have to adapt to many more restrictions and so called necessary compulsory regulations in the near and far future ahead of us, where discrimination will morph from external differences to more subtle internal ones, opening up the possibilities of a worldwide regime, controlling our every move for the sake of humanities safety!…. A new world where we are forced to have preventative treatments from organisations that hugely benefit from the returns without much true consideration for our opinions and long term health. If we refuse, based on our own opinions and convictions, we will be considered guilty of wrongdoing and putting the rest of the population at risk, with the result being huge discord and separation in society between groups with different viewpoints. Basically forcing everyone to be on the same page in their thinking and opinions! We will highly likely be restricted and refused basic services such as air travel, joining group activities and a choice in healthcare, unless we conform to the ideas of a fear filled manipulated society!

Sorry, this sounds extremely depressing and at this stage I have no idea how far this will be allowed to go and how far our freedom will be restricted from this moment in time, once the immediate danger subsides. All I know and see is that the World will never go back to what it looked like only several weeks ago.

On the flip side, this has also allowed me to contemplate a brighter future for social relationships and bonding through adversity. It pleases me to see total strangers taking action and helping the ones in society that need it most. People finding the courage to open up and share their deepest feelings with others, something they would have not felt at ease with several months ago. We come together through technology and socialise in a new way, apart, yet together to rise above this and produce a positive spark, a little optimism and humour to lift others spirits. Today, more than ever we realise that we are all connected and cannot get through this on our own. I must admit I have shed a few positive emotional tears of hope over the selflessness and actions of many individuals in the past week and can see that there is still hope for humanity to turn this experience into something we rise up from with true selflessness and a better future in mind.

Even in these dark times I can still find gratitude, actually more so than before, as the realisation sinks in that we cannot take anything for granted. We are so blessed with our access to the internet to stay connected and informed. How good does it feel now, to find a few last packets of toilet paper on a supermarket shelf? Or score that last can of baked beans, a thing we could not have imagined only 1 month ago!

Serendipity is still active too as I think how several things in my life have worked out for the better, like for example me not pre-booking that airline ticket as mums health is declining and could take a turn for the worse any day. I decided to leave it till the last minute, so I would not have to pay extra to change the dates, should I be required to go suddenly. Even though my heart hurts badly for the restrictions prohibiting me from my duties to take care of her and return the love she has given to me all my life, I trust she is in the best place with the best care possible right now, and that it will all work out somehow in due time.

For now hold tight, focus on, Be Glad about whatever positive things you can find around you and keep dreaming and focusing on a better future with more personal freedom and a return to harmony with our Mother Earth.

We have so much more power if we keep our focus away from the doom and gloom and use it to construct the World we would love to build for our children. I do feel it is important to be informed of all that is going on and not stick our heads in the sand, but now is the time and the last turnaround point where we have to be strong enough to balance that knowledge with constructive focus, if we want that future for our children to be one where we are in harmony with Mother Earth, the flora, fauna and fellow humans…. or… create a society where creativity and individuality are forced out of us by social, political and technological control.

Choose wisely!

With Thanks and Gratitude,

PollyEsther

Lucky Feather

“Enjoy your walk” said my neighbor from her front yard. I had stopped for a quick chat with her on my usual before dinner dog walk. “Thank you, I always do” I replied.

She did not have time for a long one today as she was standing outside freshly showered after work, ready to leave for her weekly meditation class.

In my head the thoughts did not stop as I walked on towards the corner of our small Court. Walking is a form of meditation for me, breathing fresh air, sometimes with a hint of salt and seaweed blowing in with the cool sea breeze coming off Westernport Bay. Focusing on how it makes my body feel, the sensation of my skin curling itself into goosebumps on my bare arms, now followed by a deep relaxing breath to not resist what is. I love looking around, observing the little marvels of nature scattered through our neighborhood and allowing my body to work on making some essential vitamin D…

Lately something interesting has been occuring every single walk. To most people it may seem extremely trivial, but to me it is like a sign of approval from nature that I am on the right track, reconnecting, and if a dear friend of mine is correct, it may even bring me luck.

As those thoughts were whirling around I stopped myself for a moment and re focused back to the moment and my surrounds. I first looked around and next down… and there it was again, to the left of my foot on the pavement, a perfectly shaped fresh feather. The timing and place could not have been more serendipitous and I could not help wonder if there was something else involved and what it may symbolize. After all I feel like living at a turnaround point of change in my life again, with my first Wim Hof Method workshop last Sunday resulting in a great review on my instructor profile. I took a deep breath, straightened my posture and smiled as I crossed the street and walked on.

Ofcourse I picked it up to take home to my now pretty fast growing collection of feathers.

It brings me joy and gratitude looking at all my ‘exotic’ feathers from local Lorikeets, Galahs, Cockatoos, Magpies, Owls and Kookaburras and who knows what other species I did not reconize. Who would have thought this possible when I was a little girl growing up in the Netherlands all those years ago?

I am so glad I live in a country with such wonderful and colourful birds. Do you bring home treasures you find on your walks too?

With Gratitude,

PollyEsther

Gratitude flowing over

Last Saturday my fears became a reality. A fire front moved into the settlement of Cobungra…..

It was a nightmare day for bushfires. The temperatures reached over 40 degrees Celsius, which I believe is triple digits on the Fahrenheit scale… in many places the fires were already burning for weeks and the hot northerly wind fanned them to extreme proportions. On that day a fire front hit the tiny community of Cobungra….again…

Several homes had only been rebuild 16 years ago after a bushfire came through in 2003. The firefighters were busy in a nearby village back then, and when they realized that the fire had travelled to the tiny settlement as well, they drove down with a truck to check. The truck arrived amidst an inferno that forced them to retreat back into the vehicle. They barely survived the intense heat from multiple fronts that attacked the ridge from 3 sides at once themselves!

At the same time a single bloke named Fred was huddling under wet blankets in the farthest deepest corner of his unfinished house he was building and close to finishing. His dog was dying in the shed where he had locked him in for safety, while he was running around putting out attacking embers. Sadly the fire fronts encroached so fast that he had to run for shelter, to save his own life, unable to rescue his dog. He barely survived due to lack of oxygen and said that meditating was the only thing that kept him alive. His house survived, but he lost so much around it. The experience left him traumatized and he has since always said he would evacuate, should a fire ever come back.

Well…to my surprise he stayed last Saturday to defend Cobungra again!!!

This time however he had help from 2 other neighbors, and use of a firetruck that the shire had stored in a shed in Cobungra because of what had happened in ’03.

The second bloke, Dale, is an amazing individual who is a granddad, Ski patroller in Winter, Jackaroo at Cobungra Station, Wildlife rescuer, a talented base player in a local punk rock band and CFA volunteer firefighter. The community is full of praise over all his selfless actions and volunteer work.

The third bloke, Bart, is also an exceptional guy. Ex pro snowboarder, singer/guitarist of the band, used to work on ships as a chef for years and just started his own small biz in his shed at Cobungra, painting cars, so he can be home more for his beautiful partner Laura. (who is the band’s drummer!) He also build his own house there, and if anything needs fixing, he is always ready to help anyone. On Saturday he lost 2 cars, 2 caravans, a skate ramp and probably more around his own house while saving everyone else’s….

So these 3 guys and 1 firetruck pulled off the impossible last Saturday!!! Saving EVERY house on the ridge!!! This included my second home that I live in during the Snow season while I work for the nearby ski resort of Mount Hotham. They did have a little backup from 4 other guys down the road, that I think would have been busy covering the lower parts of Cobungra. I cannot wait to hear all the stories of what went on when we get together soon. At the moment the area is still unsafe and it is better to wait and see what flares up next, before travelling into the mountains.

My gratitude is SO ENORMOUS and I know that all the other locals feel the same, as we witnessed, most from a safe location, in agony (hotspot map online and fb) the fire engulfing our beloved mountain homes again…. Not knowing if our friends were safe and what exactly was unfolding there was nerve wracking! Let alone what they were facing!

I tried to send good vibes to the area and focused on rain like never before along with many around the globe and it worked! 🙏 They received a welcome drizzle and cool change that night and the following days. A few days to rest up and recover from all the emotions and hard work.

Thursday the weather changed back to the usual Summer conditions again and yesterday another miracle happened! A smouldering log near the boundary of our property and Fred’s nextdoor set the surrounding bush alight. From what l saw in private video footage it looked to be in a location that l know is thickly covered in dogwood, highly flammable undergrowth up to 3m’s in height, common in our area…

I was elated to see a helicopter attacking this flare-up, resulting in successfully averting this danger too. I was also elated about the fact that the CFA (Country Fire Authority) has managed to help the residents of Cobungra in time to stop things from escalating, especially after what they had already been through! A firetruck would have had no access to that area due to dense bushes and steep terrain.

I am endlessly grateful and super Glad that, for now, we still have roofs over our heads up there, in the beautiful mountains of the Victorian High Country, both permanent and part time residents.

*Residents names have been altered for privacy reasons*

Am I going mad?

That thought came to me a lot in the past eight weeks while looking after my mum overseas, who is suffering dementia. Needless to say it was a stressful period with little time to myself. I managed to occasionally get out for an early morning walk, as you could read in my previous post, which felt great and enabled me to focus on my own needs briefly. I focussed on my posture and breath while walking and came home feeling ready to face the day ahead. On the wetter days I resorted to some morning yoga on my mat, that always comes along for any trip.

I bought some yarn and crocheted a vest in a few weeks, while mum was pretending to read the newspaper in front of the tv and drank lots of rooibos tea. This all comforted me and kept me sane and patient in dealing with her varying moods, worries, repetitive stories and questions. Still, I felt tired a lot and in need of an extra boost.

I was not specifically looking for anything, but a visit to a sauna did cross my mind a few times. While mum was resting after lunch, I spend time watching some interviews about longevity, a subject I am always trying to learn more about. In one of the episodes of this American based series, a dutch guy explained how he learned to cope better with stress and affected his immune system, by following some simple breathing techniques, as well as creating an extraordinary resilience in extreme environmental conditions such as heat and cold. To prove his claims he proceeded to set 20+ world records, like running marathons in the arctic circle and Kalahari desert in shorts only, as well as climbing the Kilimanjaro in record time, also just wearing shorts and sneakers. He swam under the polar icecap without a wetsuit! He was able to control his autonomic nervous and immune system, which was previously thought to be outside of our conscious power and his claims were backed up by extensive professional medical research in various universities in the Netherlands and United States. He also proved with medical tests that anyone can learn to do this with a group of volunteers in 4 days. He got my attention!

This was the second time his name cropped up. While I was visiting mum a year and a half earlier, I watched a documentary about the dutch astronaut legend Wubbo Ockels, who was fighting a losing battle with cancer. He was using Wim Hof’s breathing and cold exposure method to alleviate his suffering successfully, likely extending his prognosis. This documentary did not expand into the method nor Wim Hof much, but it did stay in my mind as fascinating.

It took a third stumble on his method, before it dawned on me that this might be just what I needed to research more thoroughly. I looked up the website http://www.wimhofmethod.com , watched a few video’s and warmed (pun intended) more and more to the idea of trying this, especially after watching the video of Laird Hamilton, a well know legend of big wave surfing endorsing the ‘Wim Hof Method’, or WHM for short. I checked out the events calender and found that Anne Eijssink http://www.eijscoach.nl , one of the qualified instructors was holding a workshop not too far from where I was staying. I signed up…

Her workshop was divided in two sessions 2 weeks apart. The second one was sceduled later than my flight back home and after an email exchange she offered me a private session for the second part at her home in Zutphen a few days before my departure.

The 2 1/2 hour group session was held at an interesting location in Wichmond, in her sister’s farm office/fitness studio, build inside the stable, high above the mozying cows, which surprizingly had a calming effect watching them going about their business underneath. After a coffee and introduction we learned how the way we breathe affects our emotions and energy levels, how it all works in the body and how to have more control over our emotions using our breath. We did some relaxation breathing, pushups and slowly proceeded to the WHM of breathing to feel the differences. Our homework was to use the breathing method daily for the next 30 days and aim to at least finish in the shower with cold water to improve circulation. This benefits the effects from the breathing, by ensuring the energising oxygen gets into every nook and cranny of our body.

In the second private session in Zutphen I learned more about mindset, focus, motivation and the effect on our reality and quality of life, followed by another breathing session. She made me practice a horse stance punching air and breathing, which was to be done before and after the bath in cold water topped up with a few buckets of ice…

Slowly I stepped into the icy bath and made sure to keep going steadily deeper into the water untill I sat in it submerged up to my chest. My body was protesting by painfully constricting the smaller bloodvessels, in my legs especially. Not unlike the opposite effect, when your hands and feet get really cold and you warm them under the warm water tap or in front of a fire. I hung in there untill my breath became slow and steady. The pain eased. I am unsure how long I sat there, but probably not much more than a couple of minutes before I felt the need to get out. My legs were a bit numb now and I looked down to see if they were still attached and holding me up.

Anne was really supportive, talking me through the experience. As soon as I stood there punching air in the late Autumn Sun that peeked out from behind the clouds smiling down on me, I felt a warm wave pulsing through my body. It felt invigorating! After the airpunches she suggested I try get back in the bath again, which I did. After all she spend a fair bit of time and effort preparing this bath, hacking the bucketsize iceblocks into smaller bits with an axe, which I did not want to go to waste. The pain was a lot less this time around and I even managed to smile for the pictures she offered to take for proof.

Driving home I still felt the ‘high’ it had had given me, despite the occasional shiver of my body slowly getting back to its usual state. I am so GLAD I gave into the urge to do something beneficial for myself too while there, listening to the suble messages and going with my urge to satisfy my curiosity, despite it being a tat crazy.

I still do the breathing method every day with the help of the WHM app and finish my shower with cold water. I love the feeling of peace, of giving my body complete rest for a minute or so while doing the breath hold. I even had a shower outside under the hose after I mowed the lawns and got covered in dust a day after I returned. Even though the weather here in Australia is heading into Summer and a far cry from chilly ‘Holland’ at the end of Autumn, it still invigorates me and gives me a lot more energy throughout the day. The more subtle effects are that my lungs and sinuses clear out more muck. It does seem to affect my motivation to take action on my thoughts and ideas and decrease my normally present procrastination on decisions. Also am I able to walk around barefoot more now without getting them cold all the time.

At one point, not long before the workshop, I went to bed with a heavy head and woke with an increasingly unpleasant headache. After my early morning breathing session and recommended inversion exercise on the app, it cleared up completely! I am curious to find out where this can take me and what the long term benefits will be, but even if it is only to be more resilient in the cold, it is already worth it!

What do you think?

Am I going mad?

Autumn Leaves are falling down

My alarm goes off around 7.30 am, regardless of what day it is at the moment. I know mum does not get up for at least another hour, so this is MY time, time to reflect and time to enjoy the splendour of nature at my own pace.

It has been a hectic, sometimes stressful and confusing year for me so far. Hence why you have not seen much action here either. After a fairly uneventful Summer I travelled from Australia, into Spring in the Netherlands mid March, where my cousin was waiting for me to help her get organised, in case a bad situation would eventuate with my elderly mum, to be prepared for everything. We found a fitting nursing home with a large garden and arranged as much as I could fit in the 4 weeks I stayed, like meal deliveries, meetings with care staff, doctors etc., to keep her living independently as long as possible, along with spending time with mum as well.

Upon returning home in Australia late April I got a phone call the next day, still groggy from jet lag, after which I found myself working an extra 5 nights a week, while trying to catch up in my garden at home and get that ready for my absence during Winter and work in the nursery part time! Well, no rest over Winter either, with record snowfalls, more lodge guests than ever, and keeping my promise from last year to my manager then, of attending more ski training this season! I had to leave a week before closing of the lifts, to fly back to the Netherlands for mum, who had deteriorated badly over their unusually hot Summer.

So here I am, finding myself utterly confused after Summer followed by Spring, followed by Winter and now in Autumn, but thankfully healthy and well. Something I unfortunately cannot say about my mum, who is physically doing very well, but mentally in need of full time support.

I swiftly throw on my ‘trackies’, hoodie and sneakers, over my pyjamas to keep the chill of the early morning out and quietly sneak out of the door. I am so glad mum chose to live at the edge of a small town in the Netherlands, from where it only takes me a few minutes to walk the street that brings me to the paddocks showing the Sunrise in full glory. I savour the wide open space, still in peace and quiet this early in the morning, especially during the weekends when work traffic is absent.

When I walk I focus on my surrounds, nature waking up along with myself and my body. It is easy to get sidetracked during the day and fall into bad habits in regards to posture, but during the stillness of the morning it is easier to focus on walking with a straighter back and shoulders relaxed in the right spot, arms swinging loosely in harmony with my stride. It feels so good to take a deep breath full of life’s most important energy that somehow feels more rejuvenating at this hour than the rest of the day.

I take many deep breaths during the day as well, but most are for the purpose of keeping my sanity and composure while mum asks me the same question for the 30th time in an hour and still fails to understand my calm explanation. She easily gets upset when this happens and I find myself repeating to her many times that it is ok and that all is organised and will work out just fine.

I know she just hasn’t got the synapses to connect the dots any more as dementia is slowly stealing her mental abilities. I also know that giving her an answer calmly with love is important, despite the seeming pointlessness, because she will ask me again in a few minutes. Important, for it gives her a feeling of being heard, loved and respected. I am sure she feels that I care for her as she still treats me like her daughter, even though she gets confused and thinks I am still in Australia, and much younger than in reality, lol, if only… Occasionally she believes me, mostly she puts her ‘stubborn hat’ on and is convinced I am telling her fibs. Reality does not make the same sense to her as it used to.

The way I mentally deal with the current situation is reminding myself of the old quote a Buddhist monk told me, that if I CAN do something about it there is no need to worry and if I CANNOT, why worry? Another one that helps me mentally is from Wayne Dyer, that it is NOT the situation or circumstances that stress people out, but the thoughts created about it. I take one step at a time and file my upcoming responsibilities in my phone, which gives me a beep when something pops up that needs attention.

The one thing that still cheers her up and takes her away from her worries and suspicions that everyone is out to deceive her is Nature. She really calms down and comes home a different person. I am so glad about this, as it is so good to see her marvel at it’s beauty too when we go for an afternoon stroll in the nearby forests on the milder days. It is ‘nature therapy’ for both of us! We stop and look at the many mushrooms showing themselves and we walk the leaf covered paths surrounded by old deciduous trees in beautiful Autumn colours. Something I have not seen much of in the last 15 years when I have always visited around her birthday in Spring.

Autumn Trees

We pick up a few treasures to take home and arrange in a shallow pottery dish on the table, acorns, pine cones, a few leaves and a tiny feather she found with the most vibrant blues. I take photo’s of the mushrooms, better left in peace where they are. Besides, my knowledge of them is insufficient to know which ones are safe to pick, let alone any names.

She still walks unaided and really well for her 87 years, but I am carefully monitoring her gait to see whether we should keep going, or returning to the car soon. Surprisingly she generally knows her way around quite well, despite being bad in many other ways. It is a blessing now that she moved back to the area where she grew up when dad was still with us, because she retained a lot of her older memories so far.

Mushroom coming up among Autumn leaves

I am always fascinated with these little surprises of nature, here one day, gone the next. Perhaps it is the shortening days and decay all around that makes me feel melancholic. For a moment I think about the issues at hand and cannot help but see the fleetingness of all we take for granted. A hint to make the most of, and be grateful for each day we are blessed to experience.

Mushroom covered tree trunk, found off the beaten track

Spotted these red and white ones only on passing a second time, surprisingly, as they are quite striking

I ponder about memories, which are not much different. As we walk along our lives we collect and grow them, we treasure and share them, but when decay sets in with old age, they are like the falling leaves of Autumn, we drop them slowly one by one on still days, or many at once when a storm hits….

I am so GLAD that my own ‘tree’ still has many leaves that, for now, are securely attached.

Leaf covered road

Feel free to comment 😉

With Gratitude,

PollyEsther

PRECIOUS TIMES

“I can’t find the keys anywhere, how is that possible?” Mum asks me several times a day. Another one is: “Have you closed your window?”, every time we leave the house. The keys are quickly found in the usual spots she puts them down automatically without thinking or registering. The room I am in does not have an opening window at all, but I assure her every time that the window is shut.

Three years ago was the last time I flew to the Netherlands to visit mum, family and friends. It was a busy, fun time with several parties and a primary school reunion, creating many happy memories. At the time she also had her 83rd. birthday. She was a little annoyed that she was struggling to remember all the names of the plants and flowers in her garden, but I guess when you get to that age, you should be happy to still be physically fit enough to be able to enjoy working in your own garden.

Late last year my cousin, who keeps a close eye on mum for me when I am in Australia, which is now home for me, emailed me concerned that I should be thinking about another visit soon, because mum was confusing her, me and her daughters names badly when they looked at some old photos. “If you leave it much longer there may be a chance she will not remember who you are!”, she said…

So here I am, visiting again, making sure not to miss her 86th birthday and making the most of what time we have left together before she loses her memories altogether. My cousin and I are busy talking to her doctor and care staff and making arrangements for her future behind her back. It feels wrong, but what choice do we have? She is convinced that she is fine and does not need any help yet. I guess in some ways I do agree with her, as she is still very alert and swift to respond to the traffic when driving her car on familiar roads. She is still capable of putting in a fair effort maintaining her small and well manicured garden and we both enjoy looking at the birds she feeds every day and squirrels that like to steel some of the birds’ crumbs when no one is looking…

But…at the same time she keeps losing things around the house, convinced that the care staff is stealing from her all the time. She only trusts a very small number of familiar people she knows well, thankfully including me. Others she treats with suspicion, fear and mostly verbal aggression, occasionally raising her fist to emphesize she is serious. The memory lapses come and go with me thinking she is indeed fine at times, but then at night when tired she looks at me and tells me she finds it strange to think that she has a daughter at all… Physically she is doing very well for her age, mentally it is becoming a real concern. She functions ok when she is able to stick to her routines that have become almost compulsive. When it is disturbed she gets very upset and stressed.

There is a lot she does not understand, like why she has trouble with her tummy when she stresses, as she does not remember she has been suffering from Crohn’s disease since before I was born, probably set off by a stressful period in her life not long after she got married due to circumstances out of her control. She also has had other inflammatory issues ever since.

While making my plans and arrangements for my journey to see her I asked an internal question and the answer came in the form of a book called ‘The Grain Brain’ by Dr. David Perlmutter who describes how and why most of her issues could likely be the result of food sensitivities, with the main culprits possibly dairy and gluten. The fact that my own minor inflammatory issues eased after starting on a gluten free diet and cutting out milk convinced me even more that his theories and findings were of value. I decided to ask her doctor for some tests to see what the results would be.

After living with her now for well over a week and observing her obsession with her routines, I sadly have to make peace with the fact that she is too far gone to change… She does not understand it when I have to tell her every night again that I do not eat custard for desert any more. When drinking tea she keeps offering me biscuits and looks puzzled why I only want special gluten free ones and refuse to eat the normal ones she keeps offering. She thinks that I must be very ill not to be able to eat all those ‘healthy’ traditional things and need special bread for lunch, despite my best efforts of explaining why. She does not understand… Every morning she makes the table and places a plate for me to eat my toast that I have not had for breakfast for years. I love my goats milk yoghurt with gluten free cereal and some fresh fruit like a mandarin and/or banana added, along with a black coffee.

She cannot see that I do not need hours any more to wake up every morning and look and feel healthier than when I was in my twenties. She does not remember how badly I suffered from several allergies and was always tired and often sick with every bug that came around, while I was still eating like she does now.

It is difficult listening to the same stories every day and hearing her complain about being tired and her tummy playing up. It is difficult, but I have to be at peace with the facts and make the most of what little time we have left to enjoy our walks in nature and spend time asking all the questions I have not before that I would still like to know before she does not remember the answers.

It makes me sad to see her like this and knowing that with a few changes and additions to her diet she could possibly be free from all her old health issues as well as slow, stop or even improve her declining memory, but you cannot force her to eat things she is convinced would make her feel sick in her stomach.

I am glad however that she still remembers to place an extra plate for me even though I really need a bowl. I am glad that we are able to enjoy those little things now I am here with her, like walking in nature, playing indoor lawnbowls, cleaning the autumn leaves from her garden together, watching the nesting birds around her home and the squirrels stealing the birds bread crumbs…

P.S.
I am sorry my dear Dutch friends, that this time around I will not take time to party with you, nor run around to visit everyone I have not seen for three years. Maybe we can arrange a meeting on a Sunday afternoon somewhere in a pub for a few hours, later during my stay, where everyone that wishes can come to say g’day before I head back to my duties and work in Australia. For now I intend to make the most of my time with mum. I hope that after reading my story you will understand…

With Gratitude, PollyEsther

The Emerging Butterfly

l used to be a caterpillar small and insecure,
eating away at yummy green leaves so pure.

I did not feel so well and was not growing like l should…
Wondering how to make it better and if l possibly could?

Then one day a book fell in my hands,
that taught me which leaves were in bad lands.

l read and read some more,
like I’ve never read before.

Started eating the right leaves from then,
finally knowing what to eat and when.

I felt a whole lot better indeed,
and grew fatter and fatter with rapid speed.

Started having a real good time,
rolling along with a great big smile.

Then wore myself out after all,
got tired from eating, felt like curling into a ball.

I felt different and a little strange…
Were there some special leaves in the last range?

I spun a little hammock out of silk and laid myself down to rest.
It only seemed like moments when l woke back up in my little nest.

Who has washed it for me while l slept?
cos l am sure it was less tight, last time l checked…

I stretched out my stiff limbs, oh no, broke my comfy cocoon!
I don’t know if I was quite ready yet, to get up so soon?

Loving the safety of what I now knew,
but also a little curious as to how l just grew…

Into this beautiful creature l see in the reflection of the puddle below.
With an aura that just beams with this wonderful magical glow.

Topped off with some wings, how incredible!
just by eating the right foods that were eatable…

Instead of poisons like so many of my dear friends,
who perished long ago and came to sad and sorry ends.

I was the lucky one indeed,
finding the right kind of feed.

So l could be reborn into a different phase of life so free and light.
The day has never before looked so bright!

Oh the ecstasy of flying off with my special man,
and doing what only a butterfly can.

I wish to share what I learned with all the caterpillars yet to be born,
but sadly know I will not witness my offspring and if they have ever flown.

It is the task of my genes to pass that on for me,
and my task is to let them be.

Let them be free to find their own path at their own pace.
May they all grow into butterflies and live happily in their own space!

With Gratitude,

PollyEsther

PS: Something a bit different to normal, but after all the lovely comments on my last poem, I could not resist posting this one too. I wrote it to enter into an on-line ‘Burning Man’ event display, which has a theme of growth and transformation.

The recent multitude of butterflies in nature, as well as my attention being drawn to them a lot lately in different situations, inspired me to put the two together. There is a lot of symbolism woven into this piece that is very close to my heart and I am pleased with how it turned out, GLAD my muse tapped me on my shoulder again yesterday!

What do you think?

Questions answered

My jaw dropped this morning when I looked at the first Face Book post of a lady who befriended me only a few days back. I don’t know her at all and thankfully I do not get a lot of strangers befriending me on Face Book. It would be naïve not to be slightly wary.

In this case I reluctantly decided to acknowledge her request after seeing a lot of natural health and nutrition posts on her timeline, which is something I am always interested in. I send her a friendly ‘thank you’ PM to satisfy my curiosity as to why she befriended me, asking how she had found me and what her reasons were, seeing we had never met, had no common friends and lived worlds apart. No reply so far…

Walking the dog last week my attention was drawn to some unusual yet ancient looking fruit on the footpath in front of an elderly man’s home nearby. Some of the fruit had been squashed by passers-by or kids and looking up I saw a bush that was as laden with fruit as an over decorated Christmas tree! I had no idea what kind of fruit it was and if it was edible or not, but felt a strong urge to do some research and find out, so picked a couple off the ground underneath. I thought maybe I should try cut it in half and see if our ‘resident’ Possum chose to eat it to get a better clue whether it might be safe for human consumption or not, but haven’t as yet.

It felt a bit like deja-vu from around 8 years ago, when I first found Feijoa fruit on the footpath out the front of another house just around the corner. When I asked the owners about it, they told me I could take as much as I wanted, because they did not like eating them nor cleaning the footpath! I loved eating them so much, that I grew my own bush with lots of patience from seed and had my first fruit at the end of last Summer. (More about it: http://www.nutrition-and-you.com/feijoa.html)

First harvest from my Feijoa bush, grown from seed 8 years ago

First harvest, April 2015, from my Feijoa bush, grown from seed 8 years ago

When the dog and me walked a visiting friend back to the local bus stop, I showed the mysterious bush to my friend in the hope he might know or had seen it before, but he knew as much as me. At home things got busy with all my other internet projects and listening to time limited seminars about health and wellness and the sample fruit I brought home was just sitting on the shelf in my kitchen reminding me of my intent to do more research…

Coming back to my jaw dropping moment this morning, my new ‘friend’ posted this: http://drhealthytips.com/index.php/2016/05/07/are-you-worried-about-clogged-arteries-start-drinking-this-immediately/…

I now had a bit more than just a piece of fruit to do research and found a few more helpful links on-line: https://authoritynutrition.com/12-proven-benefits-of-pomegranate/ and: https://www.drfuhrman.com/library/article19.aspx for anyone wanting a few different perspectives. I excitedly emailed the link to my friend and as I was writing explaining what happened it dawned on me…

All my questions had been answered! What kind of fruit I had found, what the benefits are and possibly why some stranger befriended me on FaceBook out of the blue. All this without any effort on my behalf! Well, I did ask an internal question…

Pomegranate

I am so Glad and exited about this, I could not resist sharing it in a blog post, not just to show how questions get answered in mysterious, ‘serendipitious’ ways, but also to share the amazing benefits of the Pomegranate!

I ate both and went back today, got a few more to eat, collect seed and the image above.

Please share your comments, experiences, more info or recipes below.

All I had to do was “ask”

Driving to work this morning, while sipping my regular strong black ‘coffee with 2’ from my travel plunger mug, I was thinking I really need to get going again and write another post. About what? It seems that keeping busy with work and other projects had stolen my inspiration! I could not think of anything that had happened to me lately worthy of sharing for the purpose of making my readers happier.

Well, I did write, a course. “How to get happy and healthy”, https://www.coursecraft.net/courses/z9QvH/splash, but don’t think my blog audience would like to read about me advertising that here. I am in the process of setting up a separate page for that, but it is taking me longer than I thought to make it happen. There are still some minor details to be improved to the looks of the course, like the picture of me acting like a Galah in Spring snow and ski boots. It is taking me a bit of time to get the hang of my just acquired graphic design program being totally new to that sort of thing. The important part, the content, is all good to go, so why not tell everyone?

Just in case anyone reading this is feeling a bit down lately and would be interested in enrolling, enter the special coupon code “Esther” and you will receive a 50% discount, just for reading my blog 🙂

Ok, I’m getting sidetracked here. It was a beautiful still morning with a blue, albeit a little hazy sky just after sunrise with a forecast temperature of a pleasant 26 degrees Celcius. The drive to work was smooth with only a bit of slow traffic at a merge of freeway’s where the sun was straight in your face making it difficult to see the road. Because car sun visor’s are designed for taller people, I wear my cap to be able to have a clear enough vision of what is happening in those situations.

It was promising to be a beautiful day and I was assigned the task of moving and weeding all stock from one of the shade houses in the whole sale nursery to another area. The light changes a lot very quickly at this time of the year when the shadows are getting longer heading towards Winter in Australia. It was nice to be working outside again for a change as lately I had been doing a lot of fun jobs in the potting shed. Pushing the heavily laden trolley around and squatting to pick up the pots and weeds is great exercise for my legs to get strong for the snow season, so I don’t mind at all being paid for getting fit in a beautiful environment!

The downside of wearing a cap is that sometimes obstacles are not seen before feeling the impact with the head and after nearly loading up a full trolley I hit a hose. Thankfully this was not as painful as the metal protrusion that gave me a bruise there last week. The hose however was part of a retired overhead watering system and sagging badly off its wire, in need of a cable tie or two. It was really in my way there and I scanned the gravel to see if I could find a bit of metal wire maybe, that is often discarded by technicians around the nursery. No luck though, so I carefully hooked it as best possible a bit higher up.

Within five minutes of keeping at weeding and loading my trolley, I heard the familiar sound of my boot hitting a bit of…metal wire in the gravel! It was too thick and short to bend into a small hook to serve the purpose. I laughed at myself for “forgetting to specify” in my earlier thoughts that it had to be bendable and stuck it somewhere out of the way, just in case I found a use for it later. It had not even crossed my mind that I had actually “asked” for it to appear and the finding reminded me of the thought again.

Not long after this incident I heard another bit of metal rattling on the gravel from my boot hitting it. As I looked down I found a perfect piece of fencing wire that did the job beautifully! It reminded me of the beach walk I wrote about in the story about the wind chime in my book, where nature just kept providing me with whatever I was thinking of next I needed to make this wind chime!

Morning tea time came and one of the other ladies remarked about my vibe, asking why I seemed so chirpy. I told her I felt so good, because I just found the inspiration for another blog story!

That was of course not the only reason, for the event also reminded me of the fact that we are always supported and all we have to do is “ask”. I have seen so much proof in my life now that thoughts become reality and it still catches me by surprise all the time. I love and am so glad about those small positive surprises!

All this from a simple bit of discarded fencing wire 😉

Next time you don’t hear from me here for a while, please message and remind me to read this post again!

With gratitude,

PollyEsther

Happy Pollyesther

Much more than spinning yarns, blogging about the amazing power of gratitude while seeing life from my current perspective

Nature

My body, my temple, where Wholeness dwells.

The End of the World as we know it…

Lucky Feather

Gratitude flowing over

Am I going mad?

Autumn Leaves are falling down

PRECIOUS TIMES

The Emerging Butterfly

Questions answered

All I had to do was “ask”